The Coffee Men Order & What It Says About Them…
You walk in. You order. You look around. And you could easily confuse your surroundings for the men’s locker room at the gym. This isn’t because you haven’t had your morning coffee yet. Simply put, a coffee shop at 8:34AM is a single woman’s lap pool. Men, by and large, are the bulk of our rush hour coffee drinkers. And if you think for a moment your barista hasn’t noticed and sized up every man based on their order, you are completely mistaken. To cut to the chase, you can tell a lot about a man by what is in their coffee cup.
Take the steady and sure podiatrist who spends his weekends at his boys’ soccer games and has yet to order anything other than a single shot of espresso since the day he walked in. Now, after three years, he saunters up to the counter with his head somewhere close to the ceiling and orders a Pour Over—something big and bold, a Brazil Cerrado. Meet, The Cheater.
Totally on the contrary, the fun loving, energetic grad student who orders a New Orleans Style Cold Brew every morning. A light-hearted drink, nothing serious. Sometimes he gets it with sugar, sometimes without. He’s not committed to it being one way or another, but seems to be enjoying his morning coffee every day, regardless. He’s been dating the same girl for three months, but since, as a barista, you are something like a bartender, he confides in you that it’s good for now but not going anywhere. Iced Coffee. New Orleans Style. Cold Brew. Hold the sugar. With the sugar. Meet, The Serial Dater.
I’ll take a dark roast. Abrasive. No hello. He couldn’t care any less about how your morning is going. Those fifteen seconds he had to move the phone away from his mouth to order? The BIGGEST inconvenience he will have all day and he’s made that clear to you. He’s normally dressed in a Loro Piana suit, Ferragamo shoes, and a Hermès belt. And he expects his service now. You give him a House Blend (C&C Blend), because despite it not being the “boldest and darkest”, you can’t make him wait another minute for a Pour-Over. While you cringe every time he walks in, you don’t mind looking at him for 57 seconds every morning. Meet, The Corporate Killer.
Lastly, the absolutely gorgeous regular. He’s never wearing a ring. He never brings a girl in with him, except for the occasional Sunday morning (and with her he normally brings a hangover). He’s cordial. One day he’s ordering an espresso. Sometimes it’s a medium roast coffee, maybe a Costa Rica. Once in a while he’s ordering a Protein Smoothie with his Sumatra Manhelding. Sometimes he wants room for milk, sometimes he wants it black. He never takes his sunglasses off, but always seems to be watching. You can’t quite put your finger on him and let’s be honest; no other girl has been able to either. Meet, The Non-Committed.
So, gentlemen, when you’re ordering tomorrow morning, know we are profiling you. We’ve made sense of your order, we’ve made sense of your habits, and you may think it’s just a cup of coffee, but we know it’s so much more.
Single ladies, if you’re looking to meet Mr. Right, spend fewer nights at a bar, and more mornings in your coffee shop. And when you think you’ve found him, ask your barista what he’s really been ordering….
